This whole situation, the changes I went through and whether I would change anything about it knowing now where it would eventually lead me…. On the one hand, I loved my husband more than anything. I miss what I lost, terribly. In our minds, other relationships seemed so imbalanced and unhappy, while ours was a miracle. He knew the real me and he loved me—really, really loved me. And yes, I was angry that I had to give that up.
But…
the other side of it is there are so many things that I AM NOW because of that turn of events.
Because he showed me how to be loved (and in his absence, love myself! )….gave me my children, (and I have more now!) ….showed me what a good man really looked like, ( and next great one was much easier to recognize!)
I am a better person from just witnessing his existence. I am a better mom because of my dual experience of being a mother in both a double and a single parent home, and perhaps one day will be a better wife because of the experience of being married to him.
My dreams are now at the forefront of my life and finding the guts to carry on passed such a poignant struggle has been the key motivator for me to act on them.
Without this dramatic shift, without some drastic change in my life, I do not know that I would have ever been pushed hard enough to get here.
Change is like that. That is what it does. It shakes things up, snatches the warm fuzzy rug right out from under you, and you have to react! You can keep sitting there, on the bare floor and wait for your rug to come back.
You can hate change and lament the loss.
But you cannot stay there.
When you are ready, you need to know you have to move forward because standing still is a waste of your life, and backward is not an option.
So would I change a thing?
I’d have to go live in the past to do that and… my past is full of just as much LOVE as there is pain. I cannot live in the past; there is no room. So, forward I go!
Keep going,
MayaDionne
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